This is a sampling of original humor(?) by Hal Adkins.  Observations on life around us, and semi-accurate relating of personal life experiences by the author.

I Hear That Whistle Blow’n, Or; How The Cat And I Got Lucky 

We didn’t start out looking for quite this much adventure, but as teenage guys we were wild carefree hooligans wanting to raise a handful of heck on a hot summer Saturday afternoon. 

We were nuts, berserk even.  We jolly well wanted to rampage and did not care what people thought of us, which worked out okay because nobody thought much about us anyhow, but if they did I’m sure they figured we were berserk hooligans.   We decided to go for broke, throw caution to the wind!  We rode our Schwinns out to the woods to walk around.

Now to walk around in these particular woods a creek had to be crossed and there were three ways this could be accomplished.  We could wade through the creek which was about knee deep, walk over the top of a railroad trestle that crossed the creek, or walk the planks that went through the trestle.  Adventure has its limits of discomfort so wet feet didn’t get any votes. 

Going over the top was always a good option but was a scary forty feet high and we would have been in deep….peril if a big honk’n train were to try and occupy the same space on the trestle at the same time the Boys With No Brains were rampaging across it crying for their mommas.

But of course being in our middle teens we thought of ourselves as immortal, and were destined to lead perfect and idyllic lives, nothing bad or scary was ever going to happen to us.  This was of course in the times before marriage and children.

As there was no rush to get to the woods, we started a slow ramble across the planks just below the ties and rails, chatting about things I can’t tell you about here as (1) I don’t remember, and (2) I’m sure they were disgusting and crude teenage boy stuff involving hooliganism and rampaging.

Whatever we were talking about came to an abrupt halt when in the distance we heard the unmistakable sound, the low moan of a TRAIN HORN! 

Under normal circumstances, normal defined here as not on the verge of being run over by a train, that howling horn was a clarion call to quickly find something to lay on the tracks and see how big and flat it could get.

Pennies were a favorite choice, as they would get as big as a quarter, and quarters as big as silver dollars, and I’m sure the neighbors cat we borrowed would have gotten as big as a mountain lion if we could have persuaded it to sit on the track a little longer, and the duct tape would have held.  Anyway the train horn scared it off and it headed briskly towards the woods with a vengeful gleam in its really big eyes.

As the three of us scrambled quickly to reach the other end of the trestle I knew just how that cat felt, except for the part about being taped to a rail.  I bet we were all thinking the same thing too.  Just what the heck is a hooligan anyway? 

No, actually it was that we were gosh darn lucky we did not choose to go over the top as we would have had only three options to keep us from becoming scary looking hood ornaments on the westbound Burlington Northern freight.

The first two choices being to jump about 40 feet into knee deep water, or run like heck.  The flaws in both these choices were the knee deep water would not have slowed our decent very comfortably, although as we would have been wet all over any terror driven “mishaps” would have been nicely blended and therefore camouflaged thus keeping our adolescent cat snatching dignity intact.  

Running on railroad ties that have nothing but a lot of air between them is tricky at best as every step would have to be dead on the ties, or we would be dead on the rails! 

The last option of course would have been to wait for the train to swerve.

So having a train that weighed about 3 gazillion tons traveling at an estimated 900 mph passing ten feet over our stupid yet wildly exaggerating the situation teenage heads, was, oddly, a good thing.  But we also thought stuffing lit fire crackers down each others shorts, and duct taping Bootsy to a railroad track were good things too.

We reached the last plank but had no time to climb down, and as the train’s arrival was imminent we just sat and waited.  About then it got increasingly noisy and there was a lot of violent shaking going on, although I don’t think the other guys even noticed I was doing it.

You think a train is noisy as it goes by you at a crossing, try being under one!  The thing finally got to the trestle with a roaring rumble that drowned out any attempt at speaking, and realizing we weren’t going to die, we just sat there on the planks looking up and marveling at the iron belly of the beast.  This went on for a few minutes, and when it was gone and the noise faded into the distance there was just a lot of silent staring. 

After having escaped serious injury and/or death there was an important need for a profound statement to be made.  Something that would sear the experience in our minds.  Immortal words that would fly out into space and live forever, defining the life lesson we learned that fateful summer day.  Finally, I spoke. “How cool was that, wanna wait for another one?”

Yeah, we decided that would be way cool, until the more logical kid among us mentioned how lucky we were nobody flushed the toilet as the train traversed the freaking trestle with us under it.  Actually he did not use the word traversed, or freaking either, now that I think about it.

After quickly climbing down off the trestle we just continued our walk in the woods, which was anticlimactic at this point.  There was nothing out there that could possibly scare or hurt us after what we had been through.

Other than perhaps Bootsy.

WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEADACHES, DEATH, OR WORSE!

You’ve seen them all over the place. They are the drug and various other medical or natural cure type treatment advertisements on TV, radio, magazines, newspapers and the internet.  What ever ailment or medicinal need you may have, the pharmaceutical industry and other providers of health and wellness products has something to theoretically make you feel, look, and perform better.  But not without possible side effects and some of these can be scarier than a Martha Stewart reality show. 

It is just my imagination or do the possible side effects suggested by the sellers of these products seem worse than the ailment/medical condition itself.  You start out with a couple of zits on your forehead, apply some of Dr. Craterface’s Purple Pimple Plaster , something goes horribly wrong and before long you end up with a mug even Mrs. Potato Head couldn’t love. 

Of course some of the medical problems you may be trying to alleviate are serious enough that the risk is worth taking, but this is not true in every case so you have to be educated!  Warnings of possible side affects and consequences that could accompany the product are normally included in an advisory notice of some sort with the advertisements themselves, or often times in the product packaging there will be an extremely detailed information sheet as big as a Texas road map, or roughly the size of Michael Moore’s shorts.  

Imagine a headache has you hurting bad, so you decide to try the new headache and pain reliever advertised on TV, Improved Double Strength Pain Pulverize, Kill or Cure Formula.  Sounds like it might do the job and ease the pain in the brain, but better read the possible side affects first. WARNING:  Use of this product may cause skin irritations, nausea, headaches…, distress in the lower tract, blindness, hearing loss, and hallucinations involving a giant disembodied pulsing brain chasing you down the street in your underwear.  If you cannot tolerate aspirin type medications you should not be consuming this product as it is nothing more than a big honk’n chunk of aspirin the size of walnut, and may eat a hole in your guts.  If this were to happen please consider using our stomach medication, New, Super, Hole In Your Guts Patch, whose active ingredients include fiberglass, vinyl, and radiator stop leak.  WARNING: This product may cause the user to pass a 1969 Firebird TransAm.  (Distress in the lower tract)   May also cause headaches.    

Having trouble sleeping at night?  Take the newly formulated, Sleep Like The Living Dead, Part II.

CAUTION:  This medication may cause drowsiness, (ya think?)  anxiety,  stomach cramps, headaches, and sleeplessness.  Other possible side affects may include short and long term memory loss (something you should always remember), a complete, irreversible, total and  permanent shut down of the circulatory and respiratory systems along with the total cessation of all brain functions resulting in your body assuming room temperature.  May also cause death.  Users should not attempt to operate or be involved with heavy equipment, or try to push Michael Moore away from the buffet table as these activities are closely related.

Feeling a little out of sorts in your ability to cope with life around you? You and your multiple personalities having a difficult time getting along?  Simple, just buy some Jung and Freud Super Psychotic Chill Pills!  Guaranteed to make at least your own little world work in complete harmony with the universe around you, and you, and you…

This product may cause cramps, headaches,  and psychotic reactions, like that creepy crawly feeling as if there were a bunch of disgusting and weird little bugs swarming all over your worthless body, but they’re not there at all, really, it is just your imagination.  Trust us.  May also cause euphoria and the temporary feeling that you could go out and conquer the world, but you know that’s not true and is never going to happen because you can’t even run your own miserable day to day existence without taking a pill, you insignificant little worm.   Speaking of worms, there really IS a bunch of disgusting and weird little bugs swarming all over your worthless body because we put them there when you were stoned on Sleep Like The Living Dead, Part II.  Hah!  Couldn’t happen to a more deserving species of sub-human bottom feeding slime than you!  And that was no hallucination, a giant disembodied pulsing brain wearing your underwear actually WAS chasing you down the street last night!  May also cause misinterpretation of warning labels.   Long term use of this product may result in a feeling of inferiority, so be careful…loser.

Hair a little thin on the top?  No problem, Just apply some German Formula Just For Skinheads Hair Growth Treatment, and your comb will be smoke’n in no time.

WARNING: This product has not been approved or found to provide verifiable results by the FDA, AMA, FHA, NEA, CIA, NBA, AA, or any other organization ending in A, although it has been shown to be at least 50% as effective as O.J.’s search for the killers.  In fact is has only been tested and used on animals, cats specifically.  Shaved cats.  Did you ever try and shave a cat?  Huh, good luck!  Anyway, we shaved a few cats and then applied this stuff and they grew some hair.  Okay, technically it was fur, but it grew so we put the product on the market.  Probably work as well anything else out there you think will grow your stupid hair back.  But be careful, application of this product may cause you to hiss at the dog, stay up all night starting fights in the backyard, mainline catnip, knock over trash cans, and lick your private parts in front of guests.  If any of the above happens in excess we suggest you be neutered.  What the heck, if you don’t have any hair you’re not going to get a date anyway…loser.  

And for anyone out there with a 1969 Firebird TransAm for sale.  Keep it.

Dating Tips II, Giving Compliments, Or: Watch Where You Step!

Press This, If You Ever Want to See Your Lawn Mower Again!

You only want to make a simple and quick phone call to order a product or service, make an appointment, or maybe just for a prank turn in your next door neighbor for cheating on his taxes.  Oh sure it’s not true, but until he brings back your lawn mower it would be hilarious to watch him squirm.

Have you noticed there are very few live people answering the phone anymore?  There is so much usage of automated computer messaging systems nowadays that live operators are no longer needed.  And because of their ease of operation many companies are actually putting dead people in charge of these automated systems.  This is especially true in the entertainment business where many of these dead people previously held high positions in the Reality Show Department.

Don’t you hate making the call when your computer is down?  “This is the computer repair service.  Please choose from our new menu.  If you want this service in English, press 1.  If you want to talk to someone with an unintelligible foreign accent, press 2.  If you want someone who really knows what they are doing, press 3.  If you want someone who speaks English, does not have an unintelligible foreign accent and really knows what they are doing, please hang up now.  That option does not exist.  Thank you.”

You would think people in the medical profession would want live humans answering their phones, but no. “Hello, you have reached the Doctors office.  Sorry we are unavailable at this time.  If you are really sick or injured and this is a medical emergency, please call the emergency room nearest you as we don’t want you around here anyway if you are bleeding or throwing up or stuff like that. It’s just too yucky and gross to deal with. If your health problem is not that serious and you have really good insurance or a  government funded medical plan, you don’t need to make an appointment, but please leave us your name and insurance or government account number at the beep and we will just make up some fictional diagnosis and treatment, then bill the insurance carrier for so much money they will be bleeding and throwing up. In the mean time just take a couple aspirins and some prune juice or something, and don’t call us we’ll call you after we get this pesky medical malpractice suit settled.  Thanks.” Beep!

Got an issue with your driver’s license?  Just give the DMV a call and listen up. “This is the Drivers License Bureau; in an effort to serve your licensing needs better we have developed a system where practically all licensing procedures can be handled over the phone just as efficiently and quickly as being here in person…what, is that laughing I hear?  You better not be laughing because we are serious about this!  If you are calling about getting a drivers license please be prepared to provide us with the following information: Full name, maiden name if applicable, date of birth, city of birth, time of birth, name of attending doctors and nurses, mothers maiden name, fathers maiden name, all brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents maiden names and their birth dates, city of birth, etc, etc.  We will also need your Social Security number, tax records, proof of US citizenship, proof of insurability, references, and birth certificate in triplicate.  You will be given an extensive written exam along with a very complex driving test and you must pass both before a drivers license will be granted to you.  However if you are in this county illegally just stop in, we have one ready for you to pick up. Drive carefully, on the right side of the road by the way, and have a nice day.”

For all your Tax problems just call the new user friendly IRS automated service.  “Good morning, you have reached the Internal Revenue Service.  Please be assured that we as a government agency have your best interest at heart and are here to help you…laughing, do I hear laughing…? First you will need to use your touch tone phone to input your Social Security number, and please do not worry that this will somehow get into the wrong hands as it most certainly already has.  More people have seen your Social Security number than viewed Janet Jackson’s bogus wardrobe failure.  Please enter your number now, and if you can’t remember the number don’t worry we can obtain it from the DMV or from the online membership application you sent to the Happy Bottom Swingers Club.  Thank you.  At this time please provide us with a phone number where you can be reached, and we guarantee this will not be sold or rented to any telemarketer type business. They all have yours on file anyway.  In fact we buy phone numbers from them.  We have made every effort to make your tax paying simpler, so please follow these two easy steps.  STEP 1: First key in or speak clearly into the phone the amount of income from all sources from the last calendar year.  STEP 2: Send it in.  All of it, we are serious.  Thank you.  I don’t hear you laughing now. And by the way your neighbor really was cheating on his taxes, thanks.  Sorry, we had to sell your mower.”

On no, something is wrong with the reception from your cable TV provider!  “Hello.  You have reached the automated help line for your TV cable service.  Please press 1 if you have a blank screen. Press 2 if the image is fuzzy.  Press 3 if all you can get on your TV is Jerry Springer.  Press 4 if that makes you so &#$@*+ mad you want to personally slap that miserable #$*&^% right off the +%$$@^* stage.  Shortly we will turn you over to our technical department for further assistance, but first please be sure your TV and cable box are both plugged into an operational electrical outlet.  We know this is a basic common sense issue, but if you had any basic common sense you would have switched to satellite by now.  Before we forward your call we want to remind you that prompt payment of your TV cable charge is both important and appreciated.  And by way your bill is going up 25% next month and we are removing 6 more channels.  If you don’t like it you can @#$^   &*^%$.  Thank you for viewing loyalty.”

Even the international community has gone automated. “Bonjour!  You have reached the French Embassy.  We Surrender.  Merci.” 

The Night Of The Metal Munching Monster…The Horror…

THE SCENE: Sometime in the early middle of a July night in a 26 foot motor home parked at the Road America road racing course outside Elkhart Lake, WI. 

SHE, with a note of urgency and emotion in her voice:  “There’ something knawing on the outside of the motor home!”

ME, with no emotion: “No, there’s not.”

SHE, more excited now: “I’m telling you there’s something out there doing something to the motor home!”

ME, equaling the previously mentioned emotion:  “Go to sleep.”

SHE:  “I definitely hear something making chewing and grinding noises out there!”

ME: ……………..

THE SCENE: Sometime in the late middle of the same night, same place.

SHE, with great urgency:  “Wake up, that thing is still out there chewing on metal.  I can hear it and feel it!”

ME, initiating my sleepy sarcasm mode:  “Give me a shout when it finally has a hole chewed all the way through.”

SHE, with a touch of anger in her voice now, presumably brought upon by unappreciated sleepy sarcasm:  “Not funny!  There’s something out there!  Go see what it is!”

MY INNER MONOLOGUE:  I have to get up in a couple of hours and prepare to be a hero race driver and I am not getting much sleep at this point.  There was this nice little poster at race registration listing some of the local wild life populating the track area, know killers such as turtles, raccoons, chipmunks, deer, turkeys, and badgers.

Okay, badgers can be nasty little cusses but no mention was made verbally or in the supplemental regulations of any deficiencies in the local badgers diet that might lead them to ingest aluminum and/or steel in the form of race car support vehicles, and I think this would have at least been brought up in passing by the track management.

I suppose it’s possible but not probable that a deranged badger, badger, we don’t need no stinking badger, could be out there chewing away on the aluminum motor home skin for some reason, and I can tell by the tone of her voice SHE is really scared and not going to be able to get any sleep (me neither) if in her mind SHE’s absolutely sure something huge, heinous and horrendously destructive to man and machine is trying to burrow it’s way into the motor home.

I can most certainly understand her terror as what ever she perceives to be eating its way through a combination of about an inch of aluminum and wood could do some deathly damage to human tissue and bone, and in its rampage leave bloody body parts strewn all over the ground and tossed upon overturned race cars!

ME, taking into account the genuinely frightening experience SHE has endured for a good part of this long and for her, terrifying night, and with much compassion in my voice I say:  “Leave me alone.”

SHE, with great agitated expectation:  “I’m telling you there is something outside trying to eat its way inside!  Get up and go see what it is!!”

ME, realizing now any hope for another hour or two of sleep has all but evaporated unless closure comes to this issue:  “Let me get this straight.  You say there is some kind of metal munching monster out there, trying to eat its way in here, supposedly to make us into either a late night snack or early breakfast, depending on its time of arrival.”

SHE:  “Yes.”

ME:  “And you will not accept me saying there’s nothing out there?”

SHE:  “No.”

ME:  “So, you want me to get up and go outside in the dark wearing nothing but my “Just Shut Up And Drive” tee-shirt, standard issue blue with little red stripes shorts, and genuine authentic made in China Indian moccasins, and chase off or do battle with whatever is out there that you are sure eats metal, and if this apparently super natural being does actually exist it will certainly tear me limb from limb, and what ever parts it doesn’t eat will probably scatter from the front straight to at least turn six, is this correct?”

SHE:  “Better take a flashlight.”  

ME:  “Right.”

You can’t argue with a woman’s logic.  It is easier to just skip merrily along into the Valley of Death and hope for the best.

So I get up, grab a flashlight, unlock the door and step outside to find…ALL THE OTHER CAMPERS WITH GREAT JAGGED HOLES IN THEM, TENTS TORN TO SHREDS, AND BLODDY BODY PARTS STREWN ALL OVER THE GROUND AND TOSSED UPON OVERTURNED RACE CARS!! 

Maybe that was a little exaggerated.  Actually it was just a dark almost predawn night with a gentle breeze, and although I did give some thought to throwing myself against the motorhome and screaming as a little joke, I did not want to be faced with the prospect of having to make my own breakfast.

Standing in the dark, yawning from excitement, my ears not very desperately searching for the frightening sound of ripping metal, I spied the beast and immediately leap into action. 

After a brief confrontation I quickly overcame the thing and returned to the safety and comfort of the motor home.

SHE:  “What was it?  What was it?” 

ME, trying to speak through the adrenaline rush that comes from mortal combat:  “You had every reason to be scared, but fear not, I have met on the field of battle this morn and claim victory over the dreaded indigenous Road America Camping Permit Tag, and although it repeatedly attacked the vehicle by sliding back and forth with much fervor on the rear view mirror bracket, it failed by every measure to breech our aluminum armored fortress, and yea, I say unto you at this moment it is held fast and secure by duct tape to the aforementioned bracket…you happy now?”     

SHE muttered something somewhat incoherent but if I remember correctly there was a crudely worded reference to and accusation of me being akin to an intelligent donkey.   I believe there also was some question as to legitimacy of my birth.

I might just as well thrown myself screaming against the motor home just for fun per my original thought, as breakfast was indeed self served, cold and quite. 

Please Note:  There were no Road America Camping Permit Tags or stinking badgers harmed in the above incident.

In this installment we are going to explore the right and wrong things for you, a guy, to say to your girl in the opening stages of a budding relationship, specifically the first few dates after the initial mistake she made in agreeing to go out with you in the first place. 

Although a lot of this could be helpful to men in an advanced and terminally long relationship scenario, or married, the following tips on making compliments are more for the guy who doesn’t know the difference between a compliment and compost pile, although they may in fact be similar in their nature.

Men involved in long lasting relationships of any kind have by now probably said and done pretty much all the stupid things in their life they are going to say and do anyway.  To their women handlers they are hopelessly brain dead subservient idiots.  This according to a recent survey conducted by an organization called Women to Improve Men’s Perpetual Shortcomings, or W.I.M.P.S.   They have a very large membership.

Regarding her general appearance upon picking up your date for the day or evening, what WILL WORK:  “You look nice.”  This is very non-committal and non-confrontational which is extremely important.  Try to use the word “nice” instead of “swell” or it could be interpreted as mocking and disingenuous.  What WON’T WORK:  “Wow, you look hot!”

Keep in mind she has by this time spent at a minimum six hours bathing, doing her hair, troweling on make-up, lacquering up her nails and viewing herself in the mirror 147 times while trying to decide just the perfect outfit to wear.  All of this in an effort to look, well, hot.

You of course are not allowed to notice or make mention of this as she will immediately accuse you of being a sexist pig and tell you in great detail how and why you have to change your attitude!  And she will tell you this for hours.

On her choice of perfume, this is what WILL WORK: “The perfume you are wearing is terrific, what’s it called?” 

What WON’T WORK:  “What’s that smell?”  This is especially grievous if there is no perfume involved.

If pointed out that she’s sporting a new dress/outfit, SAY THIS: “That material and color really complements your beautiful complexion.”  NOT THIS: “I didn’t think The Salvation Army store carried that size.”

If  both of you are enjoying a couple of drinks with your meal and you become a little giddy and want to be romantic, SAY THIS:  “As the evening goes on you just seem to have this alluring glow about you that I can’t help but notice and admire.” 

NOT THIS:  “Wow, are you getting really loaded or what!” Unless she is getting really loaded or what, then she won’t notice or care. This would also be a good time to slip the bill for the dinner over to her side of the table and excuse your self to the restroom until after she pays the waiter.

Along the lines of general conversation, TRY THIS:  “You are so easy to talk to.  I feel we could sit here all night looking into each other eyes and sharing our life stories and dreams for the future.”

NOT THIS: “You know, the more I drink the better you look.”  Even if you are sincere.

It’s acceptable to politely inquire about her background, family, friends, her work, etc., but SAY THIS: “So, have you lived around here your whole life?  Does your family live nearby?  I just want to get to know all about you.”

NOT THIS:  “So, been awhile since you had a boyfriend, huh.  What’s up with that?”

In summation:  Be sure your complimentary words make her feel like she is the most important person in the room, no, the world!  Let her know you are focused on nothing but her and her alone, and she is what makes your little heart go pitter-patter.  That’s right gentlemen.  LIE!

Even if she looks like she just woke up from a restless night in a cardboard refrigerator box and her perfume reminds you of a burnt compost pile.  Even if her makeup appears to have been applied with a cheap paint brush by Vampyra Queen of the Dead and you recognize her new dress as the one your mom gave to The Salvation Army seven years ago.  Even if her hair looks like it has been styled with a Dust Buster, LIE! 

All men know a good and well executed relationship lie is a great tool to massage your ladies ego, smooth tensions, and can often be very useful in responding with great compassion and feeling to many important, serious, yet incredibly meaningless conversations.

And if you’re an average kind of guy don’t be surprised if you feel a little guilty about being less than honest with her compliments because she has always been so genuinely complimentary to you, remember?

Like when you picked her up for your date last weekend and she said you looked really buff in your XXL relaxed fit Thunder Butt jeans.  She also thinks bald guys like you with a comb over and mutton chop sideburns are very hot, and the cologne you bought at the truck stop was really swell.

Bless her heart.  You know she’s a wonderful woman and just might be a keeper as she has always been very forthcoming and honest with you…

Idiot.

 How The History Channel Can Expand Your Mind, And Other Things.

The power of suggestion and a visual media can be an extremely intimidating force.  That’s how and why TV commercials work.  That’s also how and why we are inspired to eat and drink way too much of the stuff we should not be eating and drinking so much of, although  regular TV show viewing can also expand more than your mind.  Like maybe your waste line.

The other night I watched a show on the History Channel about George Washington Carver.  This is the gentleman I first learned about in grade school history.  George Washington Carver did a lot of clever things with peanuts.  He developed hundreds of uses for products made from the simple peanut, including the first commercially available fully edible ear plugs.

As I watched the show on peanuts I was completely overwhelmed with just one thought.  Why the hell did I vote for Jimmy Carter, twice?  No, actually I had a huge desire to have some peanuts.  All I had in the house was peanut butter, the good natural healthy kind made with no preservatives and has to be mixed by hand in the jar then refrigerated.   I am no G.W. Carver but it is my firm belief this natural health food can be made even healthier by the addition of a bit of honey and of course extra salt.

So there I sat at 9:30 in the evening eating peanut butter with a spoon out of a cold jar.  I was simply compelled by the subject matter, which reminded me of other compulsions related to the History Channel.

First there was the show on the soft drink industry.  I instantly developed a powerful urge to have a Coke.  I don’t consume a lot of soft drinks, but my tongue was crying out for the stuff.  I never keep any around as I try to consume healthier fare, such as extra salty honey flavored peanut butter.  I did check but had none of the fizzy enamel killer on hand.

I soon got over this urge however as the next show immediately following the soft drink expose was an hour on the history of brewing beer.  Now we’re talking a more age appropriate beverage.  The thought of sipping on a cold frosty thirst quenching glass of refreshing liquid made from fermented plants sounded like a real winner.  I had a moderate supply of low carb brew in the refrigerator which sounded way better than a cold soda anyway.

I think of low carb beer as health food, but I   think of none alcoholic beer as just something tasting kind of like beer, and I have no interest in it personally because it sounds about as appealing as trying to make southern fried chicken out of tofu.

Real or imitation, all beer initially tastes like bug juice but at least with real beer after awhile your taste buds get a little numb and you don’t notice.  Actually after a certain point there is a lot of things you don’t notice and sometimes your hearing is also affected, but this could just be caused by the Beer Nuts your “friends” dared you to stick in your ear. 

With the availability of the shows subject matter I was able to successfully participate hands, or mouth on in the history of beer lesson, which caused me to fall asleep in the recliner although I did rouse my self just in time to catch the greater part on the next show which involved the distilling of hard liquor, but luckily conked out again before I could do myself any harm.  After that was an episode on ice cream and of course I had none of this on hand either because I am Mr. Healthy Guy.

Trying to eat healthy is such a bore.  I remember starting to watch an inspiring History Channel program on how the frozen vegetables industry was developed, and that particular episode did in fact inspire me to change my life.  No wait, I changed the channel, figured it was easier.     

Another show along these lines I really enjoyed perhaps too much was the history of snack foods.  I learned a lot about potato chips, pretzels, snack crackers, potato chips, cookies, and of course potato chips.  This time I got up and drove to the super market to get a big bag of those thinly sliced salty tator snacks.  Now, I can make a meal out of those things if I let myself , and did.  Washed it down with a biggie soft drink I picked up as long as I was at the store anyway.  Also got a big can of peanuts, small bottle of liquor, half gallon of ice cream, another six pack of beer, box of cookies and some real tofu free southern fried chicken. 

By the time I got home and spread out my high caloric History Channel homework on the various flat surfaces of my weight lifting machine and treadmill, but within easy reach from recliner, I was set for pleasant afternoon into evening of History Channel viewing pleasure.  And what was the first show that came on but a disturbing and lurid history of drug cultures from around the world.  

I have to tell you I changed the channel immediately as that sort of lifestyle is not something I have any interest in at all.  To me getting high is not smart, fun, or funny.  It is detrimental to ones physical and mental well being and no way to go through life.  Anyone extolling any kind of excessive consumptive life style obviously has some sort of substance abuse problem and needs professional help! 

I was quite content to just sit and watch an old Cheech and Chong movie surrounded by my good friends the Millers, Mr. Daniels, the Lay’s family, those nutty Haagen Dazs guys, Keebler elves, the Colonel and of course Jimmy Carter.

Keeping it healthy, that’s what I do. 

Hey man, you know I think I got something stuck in my ear, man.